Total weepy vent right now.
FAIL should be tattooed on my forehead. Here is an abridged list of why I am such a ridiculously incompetent failing human being:
1. I had to scream aloud and hide in the closet for five minutes rather than listen to one more sobbed "Mommy" tonight - oh my jebus, she is in constant Wwhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiineeeeeeeee state and I can't handle it. She knows enough to say "No no no" to what she doesn't want but cannot vocalize what she DOES want. Patience is not a virtue I possess.

2. No matter how much I try and try at school, I guess I'm just dumb. I have lived my whole life thinking I'm smart and always being top of the class and found some weird solace there. I guess I was fooling myself, because seriously I am ridiculously inarticulate, can't string a complex thought together, disorganized, resentful about homework and projects. Everyone said Library School was stupid, something to live through, hardly serious, a stupid degree - and instead, it has scraped me into this raw, needy, insecure, hating on myself person.
3. Lately I'm not quite a day late and a dollar short with work but I'm always an hour late and a quarter short. Nothing is finished exactly on time, I make promises and appointments that seem reasonable and then can't quite keep - I'm behind the eight ball, can't keep anything straight, always struggling to catch up on e-mail and just come through. I'm deeply paranoid that they can't wait to get rid of me. And how is this for paranoia? Last week I wrote to the person who runs an archive I would be interested in working for, within the same university I'm currently at. I know their budget just got cut so I asked if, by any chance, they were offering an internship next year. A polite but definite NO due to budget was the answer, which I could live with. But then there was a posting on the school Listserv today - for a summer/fall internship with this same archive. Unpaid, but if the head of the Archive did not for some reason clearly hate my guts, wouldn't she tell me about this, even if it was unpaid????? Why does she hate my guts? I actually don't know her, but she works directly with people I have met at meetings etc. and this is messing with my mind in a GIANT way. Add to this, 3 job applications floating in the ether, unresponded to as of yet when I ALWAYS get an interview, at least, ALWAYS. Are people passing Slam Books around with my name in it? What have I done? Yes, I'm not 100% the worlds number one employee at this exact moment but I'm not awful either. I am interview worthy, I promise. AH says to e-mail this same archive director to ask about the position, I say why be more of a glutton for punishment? But if there is some weird misperception - or maybe true perception, who knows? - floating around about me in the universe, shouldn't I find out and correct it? Is it because I'm terrible about returning phone calls?

I wept for 10 minutes tonight over a block of tofu that I knew I should cook but goddamn it was 6:38 and I just couldn't do it and I wanted someone to cook for me (AH has a show tonight so had to go out) and just Take Care of Things. But no one showed up.

I think I do work hard, and do care. I do. But the constant proving of myself and competition and jockeying for position and fear I will never ever get a real job or be considered a real grown-up or not be dying from a stress heart attack - holy jesus. It's one of those moments where you need a sign from the universe that you don't completely suck. And the universe is not forthcoming. And secretly, I suspect I do suck - surely the odds are too great for some of us not to too great, to just make it, to kinda be okay, not too hot not too cold, to not be too successful - but it seems as if everyone else manages it just fine. I just want my little niche in the middle. It's a moment where I want to throw plates and throw up my hands and have some one hug me all the same time.

And I really should have been doing homework in the time it took to write this. What an idiot. **Updated to add that I just watched "Rachel Getting Married" and it made me feel much better, in an odd way. I know someone EXACTLY like Kym in this movie, it was very spooky. It also reaffirmed I have Mother issues that I'm trying not to pass on to my kid. Also, I really really liked our pink and orange and red lantern wedding but this wedding made me want to go back and do it all over again. And be in a group of best bestest friends. And have someone chant my name over and over in a welcoming way - can you imagine anything more affirming? ****