I am currently holding a copy of "Gilm0re Girls and the P0litics of Identity" that I just snagged from the shelving cart (Library work has its perks) and while it is kinda fascinating to read about how Rory is not a feminist at all (true! I mean, the Logan thing for starters...) and I do love the intersection of academia and pop culture, part of me wonders if this is where America has gone terribly, terribly wrong. Less MA's in Humanities - more Math! Spoken as someone who would love to do an MA and write about awesome TV shows but really, does the world need it? I just don't know. Actually, I do know. As we did a round of "Introduce Yourself" in my class last night - yes, Library School has begun again and it ain't pretty - person after person said "I got my Masters in Sociology/Anthropology/Russian Lit. and I didn't know what to do so I came to Library School!" This made me cranky. I have always wanted to be a Librarian, it isn't a fallback for me and stop clogging up the job market, would you? Also, who is paying for your life? I would like to know. Thank you. I was also cranky with myself because I brought up my kid AGAIN in my class intro, which was acceptable last term (as I returned) but not this term and it scares me that I can't think of a new and fascinating fact about myself - hello, it's a a baby, everybody has one or was one and it's just not that interesting, okay? At least my Faceb00k picture is not of me AND my kid together - while I do not judge or condone or scorn those who do post their combo picture, I'm afraid it will kill my individuality forever. Which is silly. Also, she is WAY cuter than I am.
She turned One 3 days ago and it was pretty great to celebrate with family. I made a big NC style meal with hush puppies and pulled pork and greens and the cake was pretty spectacularly not-quite red velvet cake - at a certain point, morally, I just couldn't add more food coloring. It was kinda lipstick pink but it was decorated like a drum for that is still our secret dream for her. Man, she was a rad little baby on this trip, taking everything in stride, not playing strange or shy at all - taking her first steps, right on cue and generally being as cute as can be. It was full parental pride. We also got ridiculously spoiled and returned home with full suitcases, stomachs and wallets. I miss family - but am just as sure as ever I couldn't live in that city. Just - no. This makes life pretty difficult. It was lonely coming home, just the usual unit of 3. I have been a grumpy kind of cow ever since. Sure, there were the usual issues - do step-parent types EVER get easier? I mean seriously, I am 35 years old and still resent my Mom's partner. It was cold, really cold, but it is here too. We got sent on a date night with money but I fell asleep at the table. I would like to meet some romantic-type newish parents so I could learn their secrets. I am a prosaic and unsentimental woman, but even so, I could use a little more romance these days, but am uncertain how to make that happen. I am scared it goes away for good at a certain point, to be replaced with benevolent fondness. Well, I guess I have oh, the rest of my life to find out, as I don't think I'll put Simone through the step-parent misery EVER.
Taking stock in the New Year is hard on the ego, heavy on the guilt trip. I need a shower, a face mask, a hot meal, a warm house, a loving word, affirmations out of the blue, a killer haircut, a work ethic, a game of Settlers of Catan with friends and a few other cherished things to pull me through. Oh January,where is the good in you? Let's see, well, you know how new moms are always like "Oh I fell in love with the baby from the first time I held him/her and it's unconditional love and totally awesome"? and I wasn't really like that? As usual, I have been slow to warm up to and be warm - it's one of my least favourite personality traits about myself but I PROMISE you, while you may not/will not instantly like me, if I like you, I PROMISE, I can be worth is sometimes - but anyway, lately I am just head over heels with that baby. At last. I just think she is becoming this cool little person and I can't believe I have anything to do with it. On all the many airplanes of this trip, people came up and told us how good she was and how sweet and I think - though, again, it wasn't ME per se,or I'd have to kill myself when she isn't sweet - it kind of makes life worth living. So you know, that's nice.
Also, I'm trying to get to the Inaug. this Tuesday because damn it, I can and I'm only 4 hours away and why not? but no one will bite or agree or go with me, including my extra-practical husband and lord man, would it kill you to be whimsical for once? Though I fell in love with you for your rock solid dependability and completely responsible self - why can't you be someone else for awhile? Huh? Is that unreasonable? Oh, what's that? You wished I was more practical and focused and didn't use work time to write a blog? You have a point there, Imaginary Husband.