I buried my head in Little Women tonight because all I could think all day was "What a Jonah Day!" which made me think of anne of Green Gables which made me think of my warm blanket comforting kids books. And I knew it was going to be a Jonah Day from the moment I woke up - there really are days when you should skip school, bury under the covers and just shut up. These days I am often admonishing myself "Won't you please just shut up? Stop talking in class, stop defending your position and your strongly held opinions - just shut up!" I walked into class with that thought today and then we were forced to hold a mock debate about free online reference sources versus traditional proprietary sources. This is not a subject that gets my knickers in a twist. And I decided I would sit in the back and not participate in this high school style debate. Except people started talking and they called for a rebuttal and we were all getting angry and I was jumping in and angry and it is fucking reference sources Self. It is not the end of the world. But it felt like it. In the car on the way home, AH started to tell me a story about the McC@in sign that his Mom had stolen and how she called the Ob@ma HQ and I stopped him and just kind of blew up and wondered out loud for the 100th millionth time how I could deal with his family which makes him sad and mad. And then I cried a bunch as I realized what I was really sad about was being the black sheep in another family, the "weird one" who never feels like her ideas are respected. We had such a tiny family growing up that I think I had all these dreams about what kind of family would be my in-laws one day. More sisters! Another Mom and Dad! Cousins! It sounded awesome. But instead of the kindly university professor couple with a cottage in Maine and maybe a boat - I got what I got. Very nice people. Who think I will go to hell. And think they believe in small government.
But the problem is with me. That's why Little Women came to mind today too - the scene when they all listen to their father's letter and make vows to be better and then read Pilgrim's Progress. I need to be bigger, generous, forgiving, more articulate, wiser with my words, patient, open, kind, less judgmental (though it would be hard to be MORE judgmental), less spiteful,more focused, follow through more, gossip less, learn to be gracious and considered rather than fiery and impetuous. I'm a jackass on a regular basis. I can't believe the words that come out of my mouth. I talk the talk of tolerance and understanding and don't walk it. There is no one to pray to or lean on or make my vows to but myself, the same person I let down over and over.
I should start by just shutting my mouth all over the place. And start again tomorrow.