Writing in the moment, without second-guessing myself, at least this blog still feels anonymous and safe at the same time...I got the nicest nicest email from 3rdC0ast Audio tonight saying very lovely things about our piece and how it was so close (the word "agonizing" was used) and they'd love to hear more from us but....we didn't win. While it is always lovely to have an audio hero say nice things about you, ouch - the sting of not winning is - well, stinging more than I thought. I had practiced my introduction speech in the shower - not out of certainty at all, just pure dreaminess. It was beautiful, having this little hope flickering in my chest - and to snuff it, know you have to regroup, makes something else, send it out, rinse, repeat - it's not combining well with my upcoming birthday. The first time I have no no no desire to contemplate the age I'm turning. 35. Mid-thirties. It's weighing me down, I have to say. Perhaps I will never ever be anything but a dabbler and a never-been and a straight up failure. I'm looking that (strong) possibility in the face and it's not pleasant. AH was surprised I was so emotional about the not winning and I guess I just feel like there are a finite number of days and projects and dreams left and not a lot of possibilities that I will do something special, like we all in our secret heart want to do. I am not feeling sorry for myself, just trying to be honest and deal with what I'm feeling. How did I get here? How do I keep going, but better, more successful? Don't ask me, I'm still trying to work it all out. Edited to add: Just to be clear, I'm not sad we didn't win because I thought our piece was so awesome and so deserving and we were robbed - not at all. It just would have been nice. And encouraging. And a little boost. Okay, enough 'splaining.