Now where was I? Ah yes, I was spending time with my husband and baby before he went back to work. And then with my Mom, who came out for a week. I was kind of worried about this whole Mom visit thing would go - we don't call each other up like girlfriends, she doesn't offer advice, I don't ask for it, - I like her and love her but the classic "Mom comes and helps with the baby" visit - I wasn't sure how it would go down. Apart from the sheer meta-weirdness of being a Mother while being with my Mother - trust me, it will mess with your mind too - I pretty much never wanted her to leave. We drank coffee together in the morning, sharing the baby and the paper and watching the birds in the backyard. We went out every day, usually on some crazy expedition designed to spoil the living hell out of our kid. Simone - has - clothes. More baby clothes than I've ever seen in my life. But she also took me out and spoiled me - some "transitional clothes" for this weird and unflattering period between maternity clothes and my old clothes. Lunches out and bottles of wine and shopping sprees at Trader Joes. Dinners every night that she cooked as I napped. One thing about my Mom is, she always provides comforts. She brought along her OPI pedicure set for me to use, junky paperback novels for me to read, new sets of camisoles to wear, little pink roses in pots - just dozens of little comforts that aren't necessary but that make life better. She brought Cadbury chocolate from Canada including a 1.4 kg hot chocolate tin. She never stops to wonder if it's too much, if it's too indulgent, too expensive - if it brings pleasure, she will get it. This is a pretty comforting thing for a Mom to do. Even when you're 34. Which also makes me terrified that Simone will never associate that feeling with me - I'm so different that way. Cheap-ass and dithering, I always think about spoiling others and then justify it away. My Mom told lots of stories about me as a kid when she was here, most along the lines of "you screamed until you were 8 months old", which gives me the shivers because dear god, if Simone does, I don't know what I'll do - but this story was very telling: I was 8 and had been given $20 for a birthday and was taken to the toy store to spend it. Apparently I raced around the store for awhile trying to decide between Barbie or Playmobil or a knitting kit. Finally I came back to my Mom and said "It's okay Mom, I've come to my senses. I'm going to save my money instead." What 8 year old says I've come to my senses? Gah, AH is right. I'm a Depression-era old woman born in the wrong decade.
At the airport my Mom and I had a tearful meltdown and I seriously considered living in Edmonton for the first time in my life. Mostly, I was worried about Monday - the first day I would be doing the Official Parenting all on my own. I was right to be worried - but for reasons I didn't anticipate. On Sunday I got the damn flu. I never get the flu. So on my first day of OP, I was sweating and shivering with bones of glass and wanting to die. Except I had to take care of a helpless screaming baby. By myself. Who didn't care that I was SO sick. This week has been very, very hard. Today is the first day we've gotten out of bed for more than an hour. I am still sick and can't eat a damn thing which is a problem as I am breastfeeding after all. AH has just gotten sick too. The miracle is the baby isn't sick - yet. She does however, cry relentlessly from 10 pm to 2 am every night and though I know this now and can anticipate it and it shouldn't be a surprise - it doesn't stop me from crying with her at around 1:30 am every night, at the end of my rope and wondering why the hell we ever decided to have a kid. I'm not going to lie - I find myself wishing we hadn't sometimes, reminding myself that this eat poop cry phase won't last forever. Breastfeeding is going fine, but it does mean I'm tied to her every 2 hours for 45 minutes to an hour each time, while hacking my cough away from her. I know this is a particularly tough week because I'm sick and AH is working long hours and my Mom is gone and I'm realizing how much of a difference it would make to be near friends and family, so much of a difference ... so I guess if we can make it through this week, we're in pretty good shape. Which is kinda the best I can manage right now.