2014-04-22 - 10:41 p.m.

It was the last day of Spring Break today. It dawned rainy and cold. Here's what I wanted to do, what I would have done if I had my druthers. Spent one hour writing poems/revising my MS. One hour cleaning the basement. One hour writing poems, one hour cleaning the basement. Roasted a chicken for dinner. Made buttermilk pannecotta. Wrote some poems. Under a blanket while watching terrible TV. Until dusk.

But we had spent all of yesterday at home, working on the yard, gardening, weeding, organizing. It was a satisfying day, but not so exciting for a 6 year old I guess. Even though I was reading my own book and she asked for Sprout TV (usually a Saturday morning thing only), I instead picked up the Betsy-Tacy treasury which I had borrowed from the library because I never read these seminal books. And we read - no really we SANK into the first 4 chapters. She was snuggled up on my arm listening to intently to these charmed/charming words and already told myself, you have to remember this forever. So I gave in completely. Especially when she asked if we could please, please, please go to the SAM - the big art museum downtown. Listen, I told myself, your kid is begging for art. Give it to her. So we planned a trip - but realized it was closed on Tuesdays. Boo. So we compromised with the sculpture park and she was thrilled, racing from sculpture to sculpture. She loves to draw, she had astute things to say about the pieces and I realized - hey, she really does love art. A pang of sadness for a Future Humanities kid but a bit of pride too. The day cleared, we walked by the ocean and the ferries and the mountains and it was terrific.

I mentioned we could go to a matinee - the Muppets or the Lego movie and she chose the Muppets. We were the only 2 people in the theater which was fantastic - because we sang along out loud and she unexpectedly cried in the scary bits. I loved the dang thing, cackled out loud so often, a nice balance of tart and sweet. We had popcorn and robber baron Jr. Mints - these are things I never get, never. But it was a blow out day. We walked through stores and planned summer dresses and sandals and met AH for dinner in a comfy booth where we all had a last Spring Fling 6 weeks until Summer Break dinner. And I drove her home, read her 2 more chapters of Betsy and Tacy and tucked her in.

I guess it doesn't really matter if she remembers this day but I hope so. I thought of those poems with great longing throughout the day, even though I was having fun. I was wistful about them. And even though I was trying to be a great Mom with the art and the books and the movies and the treats - she doesn't know that it was putting my own self aside (barely, as best I can which is half-heartedly) that felt like my real gift to her. Please let her remember it in 15 years when she is telling her girlfriends what a horrible annoying freak I am. I am, but I tried. Sometimes I tried.


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