Today was pretty lousy. I was looking forward to it. We were going to Charlotte to the closest Ikea - 3 hours away! - to get Simone her big girl bed, spend time at a fantastic library, and eat at possibly my favourite diner in NC. Somewhere around the Ikea and the toddler coming together part, it melted down. It took forever, my beloved husband is frankly useless at shopping or planning, people stared at our child and not in the "awww she's so cute" way - that age is escaping us, I'm sorry to say. Now she's just an annoyance or a viaduct for judging our parenting. I found myself laying down $40 for a quilt for her later this same day, because she instantly loved it and wouldn't let it go (in my defense, it also contained a sham) and yet, dithered for 15 minutes over a $10 cover for our duvet, which I did not buy. Did I mention we don't currently have one, a cover that is? Or that 2.5 years after we bought it, our mattress still resides on the floor, no bedframe? (There is a boxspring, I hasten to add). A discount furniture place should not inspire envy about the ability to install spice racks or put up curtains or just stay somewhere, for gods sake, and not have to worry about the next move. But it did, and my kid went ballistic on the way to the car and I may have said "fucking hell" to her face because SERIOUSLY the whining and energy required to combat the whining - oh my. She fell instantly asleep in the car and instead of doing all our fun things, we drove home at 90 miles an hour and in mostly exasperated silence. Perfect!
This follows on the heels of a day out at the local Science Museum, our first trip there where I rediscovered that I get the hives at these Parents and Children Only places, that in some ways they are harder to handle than regular life and not as much fun. I hope I'm not as big of a drip as other parents and their kids but I fear I am, talking in horrible sing-song and admonishing Simone to share nicely etc. etc. It's such a psychic drain sometimes, mingling with other parents more wealthy than you (trust me, their clothes show this) and in Durham, facing the all-white elite parent brigade and their fancy Quaker pre-schools and all the "Oscars" and "Sadies" and you are just as bad as them because you secretly like thos names and why do all the other mothers look so fucking groomed? It's 10 am at the Science museum, why?
I'm just saying that long, rainy weekends with a demanding 2 year old are so sincerely unfun that it feels like your life has become a little box and it's impossible to break out and do something non-parent related EVER and why does being reminded of that fact continue to be annoying? I have had 2 years practice. When the highlight of your day is assembling an Ikea toddler bed, not even the cute one, the absolute cheapest one because that is all you can spend on your kid or want to if you might be moving in 6 months, it's difficult to feel especially grateful or humble for beds and rooves and food and a family. It shouldn't be, I should be a Golden Globe speech-giving actress and in my moment of triumph remember those less fortunate. I apologize.
I have another 1st world complaint. Last night Austin City Limits had Mos Def and K'Naan on their show and I love K'Naan, a Somalian born Canadian rapper with good songs. But reading people's reactions to the ACL decision floored me - so racist and close-minded and ridiculous. I had no idea in 2010 people still were saying hip hop or rap is not music. The underlying racism really got to me though, the things like "Looking forward to ACL's first gun fight", ah yes because black people always carry a pistol. Anyway, I could not stay up to 1 am to watch it so in a flash of genius, set my old VCR to tape the damn thing. Tried to play it today and there was no sound and the tracking was 100% off. I thought of my whole family with cable and DVR's and home theatre systems and laptops they own and thus can download new Flash player upgrades and watch things online (my work one, no one knows who the Admin is so no updates) and felt sad for myself with my 4 channels and a TV with a built in VCR from 1998 that will not die. Which is ridiculous, I realize and admit. But there you are. I carried loads of envy around this weekend and I'm a poorer person for it.